Super Autobot Bros. could be a really cool idea--well, it IS a really cool idea.  Correction, it could be a really cool game if it was, well, a good game.  It's a hack of Super Mario Bros., giving the NES classic a Transformers-style facelift.  Now, I have an obsession with Transformers that's probably unhealthy.  It leads me to spend hours on crap like this.  But not even I can really claim this game is a worthy substitute for the original SMB.  In fact, there is something lurking within it that wounds me to the very core of my being, but we'll get to that all in due time.  

Your character in this game is, mercifully, not Ultra Magnus.  Ultra Magnus was about the shittiest choice of a hero possible. 

Except, of course, for Bumblebee.  Yes, that's right, the Autobot best known for being Spike's personal taxicab is trying to save Optimus Prime from, well, something.  Maybe Megatron.  I'm not sure, because...

SECRET SHAME ALERT

...I've never actually beaten the original Super Mario Bros.  World 8-3 is too fuckin' hard.  So I shall never know if Megatron is actually behind this, or if it's this fella, like it is in every other stage: 

I actually recognize that Decepticon from somewhere, but I don't know where.  That's really quite an achievement, considering the mess this designer made of almost every other little enemy.

See?  I ain't no liar.  I'll give five bucks* to anyone who can identify any of those Decepticons.  The only cool one is Ravage, who stands in for Buzzy Beetle (that little bitch that was immune to fireballs).  He turns into a tape when you stomp on him, so bonus points for that one to the designer.

Speaking of stomping: How, you may ask, does Bumblebee stand in for Mario?  The answer: Not very well.  You start off as a car, and upon getting whatever the hell the Autobot equivalent of a mushroom is, you transform.  Getting the flower makes Bumblebee turn bright red, which is actually pretty unnerving.  Plus, for some idiot reason, he's bright green instead of yellow.  What the hell is that?

Incidentally, there's something absolutely hilarious you can do with this.  The animation of Bumblebee running and jumping in robot form is unbelievably bad, but it gives rise to a fun little occurrence I like to call:
 

Now, stick with me here.  NESticle and probably all other, non-phallically named, emulators give you the option to turn the sound off totally.  So, grab your favorite disco tune ("Stayin' Alive" works the best, though it may cause siezures)--preferably an illegal Mp3--and play it.  Then turn this game on, and time your running and jumping to the wonderful beats of the best (rather, worst) artificial music this side of Britney Spears.

The astute observers among you will notice that I haven't actually shown you a full screenshot yet, and the liars among you will claim they noticed it, too.  There is a reason for this, and I will unveil it now.  Below is one of the most inexplicable things I have ever seen.

Let's start on the left, shall we?  There's "Blbee", a cute little abbreviation for our hero.  Then we have the Energon cubes that serve as coins.  The third is something I don't want to comprehend quite yet, and the fourth is "Unit".  "Unit" is apparently the Autobot word for what we piddly humans call "time".  But I suppose I now must turn my reluctant gaze to what I skipped before.  In a reasonably sane, ordered universe, that would say "Stage".  Instead, we are greeted with the cryptic motto "Iagon" or "Iacon", I'm not sure which.  What the hell is this?  Iagon?!  It assaults the senses.  I can feel my higher brain functions ceasing by the second, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.  

If the explanation of Iagon ever occurs to you in the depths of the night, write down the meaning, stick it in an envelope and mail it--as quickly as possible--to fucking Santa Claus or something, because I don't care.

I think about the only detail left unexplored here is something that moved my feelings about this game from a bemused dislike to complete and utter loathing.

Every true fan of the Tranformers had a favorite, one that they secretly knew could kick the asses of every other robot in disguise out there.  For me, that Transformer was Grimlock, leader of the Dinobots.  Grimlock was a real badass, in the sense that he only listened to Optimus when it suited his purposes and he was one of the few Autobots that could actually give Megatron a panic attack.  So all in all, Grimlock deserves respect.  

Now let's go to the film.  Here's the little victory scene for beating a stage.

Just in case you missed the crux of the problem, I've had the boys in the back room enlarge a part of that image.

What the FUCK is the meaning of this?!  Grimlick?!  Well, perhaps, I told myself, it was just a pixel size issue and the scruffy-looking Nerf herder that made this game wasn't quite sure how to abbreviate Grimlock. GrimLOCK.

...Shut up.

Aaaaargh!!
 

*No, I won't really give anyone five bucks.  Turns out I am a liar after all.